I saw Manchurian Candidate yesterday with Christy… I think that is how to spell her name. The movie was so cool. It was freaky since it could happen in the future, or now but I haven’t heard of technology progressing this much at this time for this to happen. Never the less it could happen, and would I care if it did happen? Probably not, just as long as the US didn’t go communist or socialist. I like my money and don’t want to work for a small pay check. Even though I work for a small paycheck now…

I was happy to go with Christy. I have a crush on her, but I know in my head nothing can happen since she is moving in a week. I just wish I would have met her last year so if anything was going to happen would have happened. All I can really do is get her AIM and e-mail address and TRY to keep in tough. I know I am not good at the e-mail thing, which is why no one ever gets e-mails from me.

At this moment in time I would like a girlfriend type relationship without all the little calls and having to hang out all the time. I want a girl who I can go to movies with, play games with and have sex and what not with. But I want to work and do school work and play UO without having to worry about if I’m spending enough time with the girl. And worry about if I am making all the right boyfriend moves. I am pretty sure I was a good boy friend to both Erin and Lindsay. I was nice, I went out, I bought little gifts, I made the calls.

Speaking of sex… well kinda. I don’t have much of a sex drive at this moment in time. I find it rather annoying because I masturbate when I get a little horny. And since I am only a little horny it becomes more of a hassle because it doesn’t feel all that great. I don’t know why I do it because it isn’t all that pleasurable. I guess I do it because I think I should and not because I feel like it.

I read other people’s diaries and they talk about feelings and what does on in their heads. Then I start thinking about my feelings and I realize I don’t have much at all. I don’t know why I don’t have many feelings. Usually my feelings consist of irritation, anger, boredom, and frustration. I don’t usually have feelings of happiness. I’m more of less usually “content.” While content isn’t bad I would like to have the elatedness of being happy. I think my medication hit the content level months ago so I don’t usually go much above content, but I seem as if I can fall below it with being annoyed and stuff.

I know I should exercise, but I don’t have any motivation. I rarely have motivation to do anything. Which explains my job I found, my level of studying, my progression in studying for the GRE, looking for grad schools, and everything else I should be doing but haven’t done. I get a day off and I spend it playing UO or just watching TV. I should spend the time studying for class or more importantly the GRE. If Argosy University doesn’t take me, then I will be fucked since I haven’t taken the GRE or really looked for any other schools. I know of a few schools in the same general area (being the northwest) but I haven’t gathered enough information to make them valid decisions for my future school career. I am beyond working at a gas station. It is a waste of my skills, it makes me feel like I have just wasted my mental abilities and my skills. It makes me feel as if I am worth only 6.75 and hour with free pop. My lack of motivation has left my writing in the dumps too. I use to write a lot, then I would get unmotivated and never finish what I started writing. I have a few stories started but not finished. I want to finish them and publish them. I want to go to grad school and become a doctor of psychology. I want to feel good I want my body to be solid.

I bought a few computer parts on Saturday from Newegg.com. I got an external drive kit so I can use my third 80 gig hard drive. I also got a hard drive rack mount with fans so my hard drive doesn’t get too hot anymore. I also got an 80mm fan. I’m going to replace the bottom fan with the new one and figure out how to mount the old fan somewhere else in the computer. I’m going to buy a new case next year when I move. The cases I want now are around $150 and I don’t want to spend that right now. If the new stuff I get fixes my heat problem I will not need a new case.

Well fuck I just say it is 11:15 and I need to shower before class and work. So I’m off

For the record… I am just content

Off the record… I hate being just content

For the record… I will get my drive kit later this week

Off the record… I will be able to move all my porn to that

For the record… I don’t need porn anymore

Off the record… My dick doesn’t feel like being stroked right now…