so impressed with all you do

tried so hard to be like you

flew too high and burnt the wing

lost my faith in everything

lick around divine debris

taste the wealth of hate in me

shedding skin succumb defeat

this machine is obsolete

made the choice to go away

drink the fountain of decay

tear a hole exquisite red

fuck the rest and stab it dead

broken bruised forgotten sore

too fucked up to care anymore

poisoned to my rotten core

too fucked up to care anymore

broken bruised forgotten sore

too fucked up to care anymore

poisoned to my rotten core

too fucked up to care anymore

in the back

off the side

far away

is a place

where I hide

where I stay

tried to say

tried to ask

I needed to

all alone

by myself

where were you?

how could I

ever think

it's funny how

everything that swore it wouldn't change

is different now

just like you

would always say

we'll make it through

then my head

fell apart

and where were you?

how could I

ever think

it's funny how

everything you swore would never change

is different now

like you said

you and me

make it through

didn't quite

fell apart

where the fuck were you?

One aspect of my life summarized in a song by Nine Inch Nails. There are many Nine Inch Nails songs that speak to my life and makes me wonder why I feel like how I do sometimes. I took in too much good and it started to crumble. I put my faith into something that isn�t even stable. I put my faith into something I don�t even really believe in, even though I do. If you are confused about that last sentence then good. I�m confused too. My head hurts all the time lately, I�m tired, I�m unmotivated, I want to do stuff but I want to be alone and do nothing. I hate school even though I like my classes. I want to sleep even though I�m not tired. I want to eat and eat even though I�m not hungry. I�m not depressed, because this isn�t depression I�m feeling. I know when I�m depressed and this feels a lot different. I actually have emotions which I wish I didn�t right now. I remember a few years ago when I was fine without having to feel that much. Life was easier. Even though Trent Reznor is referencing the song to Jesus or god, mine is being directed towards the fallen angel of my life, the one who wishes me harm, but loves me. The one who poisons my thoughts so I can love her and no one else.

Oh dearest Lynn I�m ready to give up. I�m ready to take the easy path. You will hate me and everyone hates me now anyway, so what�s one more? It seems like if everyone except Mike and Andrew hate me right now. Lindsay does not want to talk to me right now or do anything for that matter. Megan is angry for some fight we had. Jaime is angry with me because I talk about stuff that pops into my head. Virginia for history class doesn�t seem to really like me because Lindsay changed classes. Erin is probably annoyed with me because who knows why, she doesn�t really talk to me often anymore. My peachy online friend says hi maybe once a month and that�s about all. But Lynn you are worst of all, you make me question my life. Maybe it is good to question everything, but I�m too tired right now. I want you to go away and let me be. Please Lynn, leave me alone. Lynn I�m not the one anyone is after. They want you not me, so just go.

If anyone that cares reads this then I would appreciate a little help.

For Megan� I just want us to do something once in a while. I just want us to drink once in a while. Just two friends.

For Lindsay� I�m trying. Why can�t you talk to me more often? Why don�t you want to do stuff with me yet? Do you need more time? I�m over our relationship; I�m able to be just friends with you.

For Jaime� I�m sorry if you don�t like listening to what I have to talk about. Just don�t be so rude about it. I�m trying ok.

For everyone� My feelings are not as mature as most people so just remember than when you try to �fuck� around with me. I take some things a little differently than intended. Don�t bitch at me for doing something wrong, let me know so I can change it.

For the record� My throat hurts

Off the record� My life hurts

For the record� I have a test on Friday

Off the record� I am going to study tomorrow

For the record� The level I make for Mike and I, is too easy

Off the record� I�m tired

For the record� One-Hour Photo is a good weird movie

Off the record� I want to buy a camera and take pictures now.

For the record� I�m not going to kill anyone or anything

Off the record� I promise

Super Bitchmaster Chris, Zo-nads the Great is not himself right now� He�ll be back in a few days hopefully. Please send gifts. Porn, money, and tea are greatly appreciated.