Cycle this asshole. I'm not fine, but i'm glad to see you are.

8:45 p.m., March 25, 2003

Right now I am...

FEELING: The current mood of centaurlord@yahoo.com at www.imood.com

EATING: nothing.

WEARING: Jeans and my ozzy shirt

HEARING: My loud ass computer fans

THINKING: I wish Suji would hurry and get here...

RIGHT NOW I AM:

Where do you want to go?

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Maybe I�m on a cycle. I can feel good then I will feel the direct opposite. I try hard to not let certain things bother me but they seem to always leak through somehow. I don�t have any one right now whom I feel comfortable talking to. I wish I could talk to Erin face to face. I like talking to her because she listens most of the time. I know she is really busy this week, but next week she will be in town.

OK HERE WE GO TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG�

First of all� I feel as if my life is really cluttered right now. I look around my room and I feel trapped. My room is messy but I try to clean it. I never finish cleaning so it will still be messy for a while and get messier day by day. I have my Star Wars cards all over and I need to sort them, but I never finish. I usually just end up sitting in my desk chair having conversations with a person I shouldn�t be talking to ever. I wish she could fucking help me clean or just leave me the fuck alone. My room is too small. I look for stuff that I can put somewhere other than my room, but most of the stuff is some sort of electronic device, like my computer and TV� and I want those in my room. The other major stuff is my furniture which takes up about half my room� my desk, bed and TV stand� all that in this little room. I hate being in my room all the time, but I don�t have any other place to go. My parents are in the living room and I don�t like watching what they watch or generally being out there with them. If I were to go out there they would probably think something is wrong� which there is something wrong.

Second of all� I hate my emotions. I wish I could be like I was a few years ago� Then I wouldn�t have to care or understand so much. I have to try to ignore them in order for me to get stuff done, and then when I want to talk about them or think about them I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I don�t know what I want. Or if I do know what I want I don�t know if it is for a good reason or some bullshit reason. I hate being selfish but I think I need to be more often. I don�t know if motivation is an emotion, but I don�t have any right now� I wish I could just die or something. If I die I wouldn�t have to care about all of this. But I don�t want to die because I don�t know why I guess it is something that shouldn�t happen. If we are all on a path god has planned out then there better be something really fucking good at the end of my path. Something like a nice bed and enough firepower to kick a lot of ass. I wish I was Darth Maul or Jango Fett� like they were when alive� But I could kill anyone or blow up anything that frustrated me. And I could pretty much do what I want. I could act on my emotions instead of suppressing them and waiting to understand them.

Third of all� I feel very lonely right now. I wish that I could do more fun stuff with my friends. I wish I would just hang with Andrew and Mike and Megan and stuff with out having their significant others around or calling or what ever while we are doing stuff. It�s not that I don�t like their significant others, it�s just that I want to have fun without having to compete for attention or what ever. Am I wrong to want this? Am I wrong to want attention? Do I need to practice being outgoing so I can meet new people so I can try to have more good friends? I don�t think anyone could be as good and Andrew or Mike for friends. What happened to the corner? Where did everyone go? Am I living a day behind everyone else? Should I just not care and not give a fuck and just give anything and everything a shot?

Forth of all� Work and school are just sucking the joy out of my life more than anything else is. I should like going to school because I am paying for it. Work should be something I care somewhat about, but I don�t. I hate work. I hate my managers bitching, I hate certain people there bugging me. I hate customers who are too dumb to know what they want and when stuff is explained they ask the same damn question. I hate how people never talk to me first at school. I am not outgoing enough just to talk to any random person I see. I try to and I come off funny and stuff, but that �relationship� ends when it is time to go. I don�t know how to get past the classroom. Schoolwork doesn�t get out of the classroom either. I have problems doing my schoolwork when I need to. I need to be reading history or logic right now, but I just can�t do it. I have no motivation for it. I see my life right now as pointless and almost worthless. If I do go to grad school I won�t make a good child psych� I have enough problems. I want to help children cope with their lives before they turn out to have the same downward spiral as me. I just wish that I would hit the bottom all ready. Once you hit bottom you can only go up. I don�t know who said that� but I think I heard it somewhere else before.

Maybe I hit bottom a long time ago not knowing it since I don�t understand my emotions and this climb up is a real bitch and is causing more pain than being stuck at the bottom. Maybe I am like Dante, having to go down to hell only to get up to paradise. Maybe Lynn is my Virgil. Maybe I should let go and let her guide me. Maybe I see the truth in every thing and everyone else is delusional and hallucinating. Maybe I�m paranoid of the people who know that I know the truth. Maybe everything I think is happening is the truth. Maybe I am right. If I�m right god help me be wrong. Help me be mindlessly happy.

For the record� God won�t let me die when I�m unhappy

Off the record� Maybe god will kill me when I�m happy

For the record� Jango Fett and Darth Maul are both trademarks of Lucas Film Ltd.

Off the record� Super Bitchmaster Chris, Zo-nads the Great is a trademark of Chris� Pimps and Bitches Whorehouse Inc.

For the record� I predict that Marilyn Manson�s CD will be really awesome

Off the record� I predict that I will go to all my classes tomorrow even though I don�t want to.

For the record� I predict that I will sleep like shit tonight

Off the record� I predict that I am done writing.

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