maybe i'll disappear

tracks will fade in the snow

you won't find me here

ice is starting to form

ending what had begun

i am locked in my head

with what i've done

i know you tried to rescue me

didn't let anyone get in

left with a trace of all that was

and all that could have been

please

take this

and run far away

far away from me

i am tainted

the two of us

were never meant to be

all these pieces

and promises

and left behinds

if only i could see

in my nothing

you meant everything

everything to me

gone

fading

everything

and

all that

could have been

could have been

please

take this

and run far away

far as you can see

i am tainted

and happiness

and peace of mind

were never meant for me

all these pieces

and promises

and left behinds

if only i could see

in my nothing

you meant everything

everything to me

And all that could have been� Nine Inch Nails. Its like being nailed in the heart. I�ve been pretty bad lately. This song has some relevance to it too. And a few have noticed. And for that I am sorry. I don�t like it when people can notice when something is wrong. I usually don�t remember what is going on during the times I am not functioning correctly. The reason is I lost my lovely Prolixin, well I forgot where I put it. Where was it you ask? In my backpack where I left it the last time I took it. Which happened to be last Wednesday, or around there if I remember correctly. It is harder to take than the Celexa because it is a liquid concentrate. Celexa is a little pill that sits in a bottle on my desk, and after I get up check my e-mail, check my site meter stats, I take it. Prolixin I have to take while I have something to drink. I have to put it in something. When I�m ok I don�t remember to take it since I am ok. With Celexa, I don�t forget to take it because it is just sitting in front of me in the morning. Prolixin I have to take about 3 times a day, sometimes two if I end up going to bed early or if I get up late. Sometimes 4 if I am up really late and up early. I ended up taking it once yesterday. And I haven�t taken it today, but I am doing remarkably well� well now I am� I almost broke my window in my room. I �wasn�t doing well� and I kicked my window. I missed the glass, but hit the wooden frame around the glass. I was arguing and kinda half-ass crying before it happened. I then kicked it and fell back asleep. I don�t usually get violent but I just don�t know what happened. My foot hurts now, I hope it didn�t hut it too badly. It wouldn�t be the first time�

So I tried to clean my room this weekend. I got it done Sunday night, but for some reason about 30 minutes after it was done, I proceeded to mess it up again. It isn�t too bad this time, I just have a lot of school stuff and clutter on my floor and desk. I will be able to clean it up easily if I can ever do that again. I need to vacuum my floor and then shampoo it. I have water stains from my umbrella and a few coffee stains and other drink stains. I don�t care if I have stains, but my parents do. But when I move out they should just recarpet it anyway.

So I didn�t totally fail my stats test� I got a 55, but he added a whole 5 points! OH FUCKING JOY I GOT A D-. Still I am really pissed. At least I got a 12/15 on my S&P quiz� I have two S&P tests this week� one in lab and one in the class. I need to study tonight for it. It looks like I will be in the library this evening. And I will also be here tomorrow night! I don�t know when I will get my papers done, but they are all due next week. At least I don�t have any tests next week so I can have the whole week to study for finals. I want my cognitive paper back now! I need to know how well I need to do on the cognitive final. I should do some of the extra reading so I can get some of the extra credit. The final is worth more than the other tests even though it is just over the last 1/3 of the class. So the extra credit would be so helpful.

The new Rise of Nations expansion comes out on Thursday. I am so going to buy that after my S&P test. I wish I could take the rest of that day off, but I have my interview transcript due in counseling class. But hopefully that night Mike and I will play it all night long then half the day on Friday. Then after that I have two essays to write, and two presentations to get ready for.

Jessica e-mailed me back. She told me not to worry that she abandoned me. I worry though. Right now I am worrying about my Florida diaryfriend. I haven�t gotten a message from her in a while. Nor have I sent her a message. I think tomorrow between classes I will come here and write a few e-mails. I still haven�t emailed Erin back� I have to be somewhat civil when I e-mail her back. I still think it is good for us to be friends, but if she is going to act like a cunt then I won�t want to be her friend anymore. I�m taking the higher ground by not writing asshole e-mails to her even thought hers are fairly unkind.

Speaking of friends right now� Jennifer seemed annoyed with me last night when I asked her if she was studying. I like studying with her because she knows stuff and is usually nice. I didn�t go to the library last night because she seemed stressed. Grrr� Instead I watched wrestling. I still want to meet Jessica soon. I hope she isn�t too busy to do so, or too scared. I�m the one who is kinda nervous about meeting people. I�m going to hopefully make a stop in the Nashville area to see a newly friended person from diaryland. She is really nice and I like talking to her. She seems patient with me or she actually likes me which makes it good for me to talk to her. I hope her offer is a real offer to see her when we pass through. Also I hope Farrah�s parents will let Mike and I stay a night at her house. I am so excited to meet her after all these years of talking online. I think it has been like 8 years we�ve talked. Then when we hit Florida I hope I can see my Florida diaryland friend. It kind of scares me to meet these people, but I think it would actually be really good because it gives me faces to typing. And you can never have too many friends in the world. Mike isn�t doing that well right now. Although he is going to be taking the steps to get better. He has my full support, and you all out there better be nice to him or I will kill you. Well anyway� I am going to go sit out side again for a while.

For the record� I found my dropper

Off the record� I didn�t dropper my found though.

For the record� Friends are good

Off the record� Some friends don�t seem to care about me though�

For the record� SEND ME E-MAILS�

Off the record� Those grettings e-mails are really happy for me too

For the record� I will be OK again

Off the record� Nine Inch Nails is cool