I just realized a few things tonight. Am I going to be ok? Probably not. Lets start on Thursday where I left off�

Thursday I had my S&P test. I think I did pretty well on it, well I hope I did. I didn�t study all that much for it. But I stated that in my last entry. Or I think I did.

So, Stacey did what I helped encourage her to do. It was hard to tell her to tell someone that she likes him. I don�t know if I have feelings for her or if I�m displacing feelings. She is a fun person to hang out with.

I don�t think I had a good day Thursday, it is kinda a blur. I didn�t fall asleep until 4:45am for no apparent reason and woke up Friday 7:00 am. I�m out of sleeping pills and I think it is going to be like this for a while. My heart just hurts, but I don�t know what to do about it except to keep searching for someone. I don�t know. Kill me please.

Friday I had to do my driving simulations from 10-1. It wasn�t that bad since I just played my Gameboy the whole time, only taking breaks to talk to the participants for a few moments. I got a lot further in Lufia. Afterwards I went and got Young�s and did nothing all afternoon. I watched Lost Highway Friday night. Nice way to spend an evening alone. After I was completely confused by the movie, which I had seen multiple time, I went to sleep and I did fall asleep for most of the night. I had some weird dreams. One involving Erin�

So today I cleaned my room and started a FF IX game. Dorothy came over tonight. We watched Emperor�s Club. It was a decent movie for what I remember. We talked afterwards. I told her I liked her. Yea, so that didn�t seem to work like I wanted it to. But what about her do I like? Are my reasons valid? Same goes with Stacey, and everyone else I seem to like right now. Then while we were talking I started thinking. Not thoughts I really wanted to think about, but none the less they are important. There was stuff about Lindsay, stuff I missed, but stuff I hated. There was stuff about Erin, how and why did I like her, those questions are hard to answer like how do I like Dorothy and Stacey, and everyone else? Thoughts of Lynn came up about just everything in general. Thoughts of my past crushes, and why I had crushes. Some things I can laugh about and say, I thought I would have learned by now. Some things I want that I�m looking for someone to fill. Key word being someone. What someone? Answer that one Steve�

So, what is wrong with me? Is what I want wrong? I want to cuddle and watch movies. I want to go to bed and sleep with them. I want have sex. I don�t want to have to buy little gifts. I don�t want to go out to restraints. I don�t want to go dancing. I don�t want to go out, I want to stay in. I want to play Final Fantasies. I want to listen to ODB while writing my diary updates. I don�t want to censor my updates. I am censoring some of the stuff. I want to take naps. I don�t want to call every day. I don�t want to drive. I don�t want to sit and talk at dinner. I want to lay in bed and talk. I want to eat starbursts and throw the wrappers on the floor. I want to eat sunflower seeds. I want to scream songs while I walk around my house alone. I want to hit stuff. I want to wear my hat. I don�t want to listen to talks about god. I don�t want to listen to talks about politics. I don�t want to talk about my past. I don�t want to think about my past. I want to forget all the fake stuff in my life. I want my head to leak out everything that isn�t relevant to my life. I want to not be wrong. I want to regret stuff. I want normal feelings. I want to tell myself the truth. I can�t do it anymore. Look into my soul and you will see someone different looking back. My exterior is deformed, my mind, body and soul are in conflict with a demon and I�m losing.

For the record� Never ask if I�m going to be ok.

Off the record� I will always lie to that question

For the record� Final Fantasy is the best game series in the history and future of this world.

Off the record� I am the best Super Bitchmaster Chris, Zo-Nads the Great there ever was, and ever will be.

For the record� Bow down motherfuckers

Off the record� lick me.