It�s the middle of the week and I�m still feeling kinda down even though I don�t act it. I have been energetic these past few days. Maybe it is because I had a fight with Lindsay. I didn�t think she expected to hear what I told her. It felt kinda good but also kinda bad for what I said. Most all of it being true. Although I should have told her I did care about her at the beginning then I just got bored and stuff� She said she couldn�t even see through my lie. Not many people can know when I do tell lies. I guess that is a gift that I have received to cope with being me. I should run for president, then that gift would be put to good use. What I have to say about Lindsay is that she is no better than any other person is. If I say I am better it is a partial lie. I know what I want in life, I know what �mean� or �bad� things I do, I know what problems I need to fix, I know when to not give up, I know that all that I need to do is make myself proud to be me. Working for other�s approval is a joke. Why work for someone only to not like yourself or what you are doing. Lindsay says it is sad that I am the better of my sister and I. She also said I have let my parents down so many times that they just stopped caring. I laugh at that. I have done nothing to let my parents down. In fact my life and my parent�s lives aren�t really connected that well. How can I let them down when they don�t know half the stuff I do? Granted I don�t put effort in telling them what I do. I try to keep them at a distance so I don�t get them to worry about me and ask me a lot of questions. I didn�t tell them what is wrong with me because it is not for them to know. I don�t want to hear the same talks of� �You should tell us when something is wrong� type of shit. It gets old when all I hear is do this and do that then when I have a problem they act like they want to hear. Shit most of the time it is them being the problem. Lindsay and my parents are similar they bitch most of the time and when something goes wrong they start to care. They should care before something goes wrong. Fuck they should care when something goes right. �You got a C on your test� what were you doing playing games all night?� Well fuck off dad, lets see you try to go to school. Lindsay accused me for using schizophrenia as a crutch to get through life. Yea some crutch, some excuse. She should visit other people with this illness, and then we�ll see the size of the crutch. In fact I�m doing really well for someone who has the level of problems I do. If it were a crutch I would be asking people for help and for them to do work for me. Out of all the years being friends with any of my friends I bet they could say that I don�t really ask for help often and that I am pretty self-sufficient. So please someone let me know how I use that as a crutch. As far as people who matter tell me, I am doing 10 times better now than I was just a few years ago. So whom should I believe? Should I believe Ann and Erin when they tell me that I have changed for the better since high school, or should I listen to Lindsay tell me that I use it for a crutch to help me through life. Yea I think I will take Ann and Erin�s comments to heart.
So lets see she said I am manipulative� and I lie� what else� that I don�t care who I hurt. OK first thing�s first. I know I manipulate people, and I do it very well. It does matter who I manipulate. I manipulate people who are people who I don�t care about much more than an acquaintance. If you are weak enough to let yourself be manipulated then so be it, you deserve it. With manipulation come lies. You think I�m a bad liar? Ha, Lindsay couldn�t spot a lie for anything. The point of a good liar is not to give away important lies and make people aware of petty little lies. If they think you don�t lie then you can make them believe anything when you want them to. Truth- I cared about Lindsay pretty much until my trip to Washington. Lie- I loved her with all my heart. Truth- I thought she could replace Lynn. Lie- She replaced Lynn. So you see with in a lie there is usually some truth. I cared about Lindsay for part of the relationship then I realized that she wasn�t a good person, but I was getting my physical needs met so I �kept at it.� One thing I don�t lie about is how I care for my real friends. Lindsay being the bitch that she is brought up Amanda and Jennifer in our fight. You can�t ever say I never cared about them, if I didn�t care about them then why would I talk about them.
I could wish Lindsay the best of luck in life, but I feel it would be a waste of a wish. She and her lesbian friend Laura are perfect for each other, both bitches. Laura told me to look at her eyes when she talks to show respect. Why would I show respect when I don�t respect her?
Well fuck Lindsay, wait I all ready did. Ha ha ha, that was the joke of the night. Well, if she wants to be friends or anything then sure we can be friends, just don�t expect much.
On a much happier note� I talked to Stephanie, sorry if the name is spelled wrong, today. It was nice seeing her again. I hope that she, Megan, Kim and everyone else could do something together. Last time it was fun. Well I�m really tired now� I went to Erin�s house at like 8 or so to watch movies and I got home around 2:30. So I�m ready for bed. My words have been typed and posted. For any friend of mine if I start to change my tune for how I feel about Lindsay remind me that she is the devil. People who accuse others of using their mental illness as a crutch is full of shit and should be beaten. Especially one who doesn�t understand or know how much I have gone through in my head and how much better I�ve gotten.
For the record� I�m tired
Off the record� I like chicken fingers
For the record� Star Wars is fun
Off the record� I still dislike my life
For the record� I still need help
Off the record� This is one of the few times I need help