First being one of the most important things. My lovely friend from down south, the one and only Farrah sent me two letters. They made me feel soooooooooo good that I was going to cry. It is nice to see a friend actually gives a fuck about me. I love her so much and I want to meet her this summer. I think that when Mike and I go on a road trip we will be making hopefully a few day stop to see her.

Next being I�m back to the lack of sleep routine again. Oh this time it is pretty damn obvious on what is keeping me up. It is very hard to go to sleep when I am hearing my name called and having someone talk to me. I am hearing good ol� music too. It is weird since it is happening again more often in the day time. Today in the morning before class was just a blast of good times. In the library when I wanted to take a nap I kept hearing the same song over and over again� not a whole song but the same three lines. I checked my MP3 player to see if that was on, which it wasn�t. I actually got up and looked around to see if there were anyone with a laptop with speakers or loud headphones, and I found no one. I almost started to cry. My visual hallucinations aren�t being as strong as before, but still those pretty colored squiggly lines all over my papers are entertaining for like a minute. I want to cut out my eyes, but when my eyes are closed I see the same thing. I do not think that if I did cut out my eyes that it would help since supposedly everything is internal, and so I would just assume that I would be seeing it even though I have no eyes.

Is anyone seeing a pattern developing of me not leaving the house or anything that I haven�t been doing normally? Please let me know. I know I am becoming more and more disorganized lately. More in my thoughts, actions and just everything in general. You think my room is messy because I just don�t clean? That isn�t the whole truth. My room is messy because I�m confused. I know where things are when they are all messed up. If I need a pen, I look on the floor. If I need a CD it is on my Xbox. If everything was in �its� place, then I would get more confused. You want to see me confused? Yea, you would end up with a broken leg. I�m not a nice person when I�m confused. I try to keep a structured schedule so I don�t get confused. I don�t know what day it is because I don�t care. I only care about where I go for the first thing in the morning. If I got that then I know what day I have my stuff� You say it is Monday I say it is Cog lab. You say Tuesday, I say S&P. I wrote the date on my paper the other day, according to the person who told me� it isn�t October. You think I do that because it is funny? I wish. Do you remember signing this paper in December? �how many is that?� �how many is what?� �what is it now? December is 12, and that is when I had anatomy.� �what does that have to do with anything?� �No I don�t remember signing that since I don�t remember when that actually was�� When was Dan�s birthday? It was the day I went to Denver and drank. When was that? I don�t know. Maybe two months ago. I could ask Dorothy when Dan�s birthday was, but she would think I don�t know shit.

Moving on to a different topic I am finding to be very irritating right now� Ok� Stacey, from what I read, had a medical problem and needed to be taken to the hospital. I saw her sometime this week before I knew she had a problem and she didn�t seem very good. I was concerned, but she didn�t want to tell me what was wrong. This isn�t the irritating problem� I am going to get to that in a few hopefully. I then read there was something wrong. Being unlike me I haven�t called her or imed her asking how she is doing. Why haven�t I done that? Well this is the reason� and this is what I find irritating well or tied into what is wrong. I am not doing well this week or have been for a while. I haven�t had anyone ask me how I am doing, well I might have, but when I tell them I�m not good, they continue on with their problems. I haven�t called Stacey because I don�t think I could handle her problem right now. I know she said it isn�t anything I need to worry about or at least I think she said that. But if I do ask and she says anything worse than ok, then I will worry. Ok now what I am really irritated about is when someone asks how you are or what�s up and you tell them you are bad or something is wrong and then they don�t listen, that is bullshit. Some days it is obvious that something is wrong and I would appreciate a little compassion sometimes from people. If I keep continue to get very little I will start having to use my own compassion that is reserved for others on me, if that is possible. Compassion can be an e-mail or some sort, an instant message that is left for me when I get up or get home, it is a letter like what I got from my lovely friend, taking me for a cup of coffee, just anything where someone can make me feel like I am cared about. FOR INFORMATION FOR THOSE WHO ARE IN THE SAME REGIONAL AREA� THERE ARE A FEW MOVIES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE. THIS FEELS LIKE I AM PUTTING OUT AN AD FOR ATTENTION, BUT IT SEEMS AS IF I AM THE ONE WHO ASKS EVERYONE TO GO DO STUFF. YEA YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THAT.

So� I heard from Andrea that Kacey, for Circuit City, got in a car accident and is now in a coma. She said he has to get both legs amputated, and my not even come out of the coma. While I thought he was a dumb ass, he totally doesn�t deserve this kind of thing. If Andrea isn�t shitting me, which I hope she is, this really sucks. This would be the third person I know to die from driving. Maybe one of these days I will tell you what I think about people dying, but not right now. Not in the same entry as a potential death of a person who shouldn�t die for another 59 years� maybe 62, but still. It sucks in a way.

My name is Chris and I am a downloadaholic. I have been downloading porn and music for the past two weeks non-stop� well I have maybe 2 hours of total breaks to restart my computer and such, but other than that I have had a constant supply of downloading� How much you asking? Well� about 60 gigs� I have a 120 gig and an 80 gig hard drives. And the 80 is full, and the 120 is about 60 percent full. That�s quite a bit of shit huh?

I�ve been having weird and semi bad dreams when I am actually sleeping. And it seems as if I can have half a dream before I wake up, because of that I remember most of my dreams as of late. I think the dreams are adding to my delusions. It seems as if I am floating from the dream world to the �real� world. Today in S&P was really fucked up since I got all out of my body type sight and feeling. I need to hire a bodyguard. All my paranoia should be fixed by him. I would call him Richard the Skull Cracking Mother Fucking Wilson.

Fuck it I�m out beotch

For the record� I am fine, thanks for asking

Off the record� does this look like a face that�s fine?

For the record� I still do care even though I don�t give a fuck right now

Off the record� Please send me back to therapy.

For the record� Please

Off the record� Please, I dislike all the people in my head.